DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have about a dozen fruit trees at home. We fertilize, cut and care for them ourselves. When the fruit is on the trees, we invite a few specific people, usually from our church, to pick it up.
When I invited a member of the church for fruit, imagine my surprise when she arrived with a caravan of people I didn’t know! The person I invited said in a very loud voice in front of everyone: “Well, you see, I brought friends.”
One of the kids in the group was climbing trees, and I was horrified—especially since lawyers in our area like to actively advertise the large sums they win for clients.
This group nearly tore down trees. Obviously I will never invite her again, but is there anything I can say to talk her out of it at the time?
CAREFUL READER: Since your church acquaintance was smugly aware of her rudeness, the only thing Miss Manners would have done was agree with her: “Yes, we did not expect such a large crowd and a thorough collection of our fruits. Looks like we might not have enough for the pie I was hoping to bake for everyone later. The children especially liked it after the grueling and dangerous climbs.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the age of 85, I have a number of digestive problems, including acid reflux and lactose intolerance.
I am fortunate to have many friends at this age and stage in my life, and while I enjoy getting together for dinner, I prefer to avoid eating at other people’s homes. I know the host/hostess will put in a lot of effort to prepare food, and I often can’t eat it.
Announcing my situation ahead of time could create problems for hosts to let her dictate the menu. The lack of an explanation for my problem causes me great embarrassment when faced with a plate of food that I cannot eat.
How can I gracefully respond to these invitations without revealing my food problems or answering a barrage of questions? I don’t like to bring up the question of what I can and can’t eat.
Refusal of the invitation without explanation, apparently, indicates a reluctance to meet. The answer that I’m not available on the suggested date/time is often accompanied by a suggestion to change the date/time. Offering to meet at a restaurant instead seems rude as I control and change their plans.
How would you react to these invitations if you were me?
CAREFUL READER: While Ms. Manners doesn’t usually condone hijacking invitations, yours is a good reason for exclusion.
“You know what? It’s been too long since I invited you and the tree club to dinner. Why don’t we do it at my house this time?”
Yes, you still usurp plans, but mercifully. And it’s much more appetizing, as you say, than telling them the real reason for the change.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners on her website www.missmanners.com; to her email, Dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.