DEAR HARRIET: I get along well with a woman who has hurt many of my friends in the past.
Although this happened several decades ago, my friends made her a common enemy and have not let her go since. I think it’s time for them to move on.
I kept my friendship with this woman a secret to spare my friends’ feelings, but the longer I keep it hidden, the worse it will be when they find out.
How do I tell my friends that I’m now friends with a woman they all despise?
New friend
DEAR NEW FRIEND: Have you talked to your new girlfriend about her past? Why not start from there?
Tell her that you care about her and you will find yourself in a difficult position because of her history with your other close friends. Ask her to tell you her version of what happened between them many years ago. Find out what she remembers and how she thinks about the situation today.
Be prepared to hear that she doesn’t remember the details. Sometimes people hold a grudge about real incidents that happened in the past, but the perpetrators don’t pay attention to them. This does not mean that the events did not happen, just that the memories are more meaningful for some than for others.
Get her an idea of who she thinks she was then and how she thinks she has changed.
Next, talk to your friends. Admit that you have become friends with this woman. Note that as an adult, she has characteristics that you like. Point out how she is behaving now and what you like about her. Apologize for not telling them sooner and point out that you didn’t mean to offend anyone.
You don’t have to try to make everyone become friends as adults. This woman can only be your friend, and that’s fine, but it’s good if the mystery ends.
DEAR HARRIET: I grew up poor. As a child, I knew that I would never want to raise my children in a poor family.
Now I am an adult with three children, and I am immensely grateful that I can give my children everything that I could not have myself.
The problem is, since I have the means, I have no idea when to say no. My kids get whatever they want and that makes them spoiled and willful. How to learn to say “no” to your children?
spoiled children
DEAR SAVED CHILDREN: Take a step back and think about what you valued most as a child when you were growing up. Given that you had limited funds, there was probably one particular toy or item that you treasured.
Start talking to your kids about what they have and how to value their possessions and their experiences. Give them housework to get extra rewards. Set boundaries around what they can have and when.
They won’t like it at first, but it can help them appreciate what you’re giving them.
Requiring your kids to use the allowance to buy luxury items can help them learn the value of money and see how quickly it disappears if they’re not careful with it.
Harriett Cole is a stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. Questions can be directed to askharriette@harriettecole.com or Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.