A must-read (parody) blog about the beauty of the main female boss of the CIA / Torture Queen!

Photo illustration: Eliza Swain/Olx Praca; Photo: Getty Images

What does the CIA do do executioners do when they retire? According to a new Reuters article about Alfred Scheuer, one possibility is to become a beauty and life consultant for middle-aged women.

Scheuer, née Bikowski, who spoke to reporter Aram Roston in her first interview, retired from the agency in 2021. Today, she proudly speaks of her participation in the notorious CIA rendition, detention, and interrogation program in the immediate aftermath of 9/11. According to Scheuer, “I was not on the sidelines. I didn’t hide my head in the sand.” Her CIA legacy inspired Jessica Chastain, Maya’s character in Target One, and Diane Marsh in television series “The Rising Tower”. Today, she is married to Michael Scheuer, the former head of the agency’s department tasked with tracking down Osama bin Laden. own peculiar history.

Her work also led to her being dubbed “torture queen“The New Yorker. According to Senate reports 2014 final investigation as far as the CIA was concerned, Scheuer was the main force behind the waterboarding of American prisoners; agency captures and torments German citizen; wild goose chase Al Qaeda in Montana; and attempts to lie to Congress about the effectiveness of torture.

But now Scheuer is a life coach with the hashtag #heavy on Instagram, where she writes that “even in my previous career, my passion for all things beautiful was well known, and the women who worked with me turned to me for advice and saw that it was okay to be both a boss and a girl.”

What does her YBeUBeauty website look like? This is currently seems to be down. you can check archived version or if you’re like us, imagine her beauty blogs power to tell. We emphasize that what is written below is a parody. Please do not sue and/or torture us.

Average Age

Do good while feeling good

Your children have left home. Your husband is obsessed with his career and the online community. But where is life taking YOU?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered how you even sleep at night? Do you see the fine lines, tired eyes and gray hair and wonder why the fake media keeps calling you a monster?

Well, I don’t know and I can teach you how not to! Maybe it’s time for you to become so convinced that the mistakes of your past simply don’t matter.

Hello. I am Freda. After decades of working in some of the harshest parts of recent US history, I’m ready for a new and frightening change! I want to help women—women just like you—embrace their true femininity, start a new chapter in midlife, and accept their painful or painful past. Or we can just get down to business and focus on the torture part, since that’s where I have the most experience. Anyway –

Maybe there’s always been that little voice in your head whispering I would like to join the exciting, fast paced, glamorous world of international war crimes. You may be considering this for the first time right now.

What matters is that we are here together, you and I, right now, in this dark, dark place.

My coaching can teach you all this and more!

  • Eight hairstyles that will make your victim, even when your lackeys stuff her into a small “dog house”, think: “Damn, she looks good”
  • What mascara to wear when your most likely innocent prisoner is staring hopelessly at you from behind the barbed wire of Guantanamo Bay
  • Simple ‘rectal feeding’ recipes, what it’s like

Most importantly, I will help you understand that you are part of a long tradition of strong women throughout history, doing what it takes!

About Fred, about me!

Some called me the “Queen of Torture”. This is, frankly, insulting. I empress torture.

I was recruited into the CIA in 1988 by Dwayne “Dewey” Clarridge, a famed operative who helped organize the Contras in Nicaragua in the 1980s and who later admitted they killed doctors, nurses and judges. While I loved Dewey, I strongly disagreed with his tactics. It’s much better to leave people alive because you can’t make the dead give you useless or false information of no intellectual value just to make the pain stop.

In 1996, I joined the CIA department tasked with tracking down Osama bin Laden. It was run by Michael Scheuer, at that time my future husband, and now he is 100 percent crazy. For example, in 2018 he started foam at the mouth in anticipation of President Donald Trump killing “a long and very precise list” of Americans, and fantasized about the “pure, nay, absolute joy and satisfaction to be gained from contemplating huge piles of dead tyrannical US citizens.”

You can see why we get along so well! In addition, he super in QAnon; sometimes I put on a skin-tight, ultra-realistic mask and a John F. Kennedy Jr. costume to save our marriage. I know this country is grateful that people like Michael and I were on the ramparts, guarding you all while you slept.

By the way, in 2000, our unit knew that two of the future 9/11 hijackers had visas to enter the United States. My direct report and I didn’t let the FBI know about it. Why? Certainly not because we hoped to recruit the hijackers and force them to infiltrate al-Qaeda. This would be one of the greatest blunders in American history, and so it is clear that it did not happen, and hints that it did can be held accountable by law.

As for my participation in the torture program in the 2000s, you can find out about all this from the Senate report, or at least you could if my name had not been completely redacted.

Also, I know a lot about skincare, so you should hire me if you’re looking for someone with a really unusual combination of skills. For example: polyhydroxy acid is the best way to give you this right after you’ve been drowned in water. fresh Look. Any product with PHA should be in your makeup bag. Think of it like a secret weapon: your own little personal backyard.

Happy Is A Choice

Frequently asked Questions

How long will it take for me to start torturing people?

You absolutely cannot torture anyone, even a little, until your deposit is cleared.

What does the phrase “enhanced interrogation” mean?

This is for me to know, and for you to know! (Meaning “torture”.)

Why should I hurt people?

To paraphrase George Mallory, the first person to climb Everest, you must be willing to torture people because they are there. Right here, begging to be tortured.

Does torture work?

It absolutely works, depending on what you mean by “work”.

Isn’t that very illegal?

You would think so! President Ronald Reagan signed the UN Convention Against Torture in 1988, but the Bush administration continued to use water torture – I mean enhanced interrogation techniques – until the press found out about it. And my experience is that this is normal. Not a single person even had to think about imprisonment!

Are you not a walking, talking example of what Hannah Arendt called the banality of evil?

I have never read a single book and I don’t know what the “banality of evil” is.

Shouldn’t your husband be institutionalized?